Life is full of ups and downs and in betweens. 10 years ago this week I had an enlightening experience. It was both the highest and lowest point in my life so far. A series of events lead to an undoing. One of them being the loss of a pregnancy and series of complications that followed some botched medical procedures.
As I finished painting earlier this week, I celebrated that I am finally ready to stop reaching back and grieving and healing all the circumstances that lead up to my break. With paint on canvas, I celebrated finding the village I desperately wanted 10 years ago. I announced that I am done processing and ready to live more fully into the light that was shed on me that dark night.
On this 10th anniversary I sit with news I got from my doctor about the entanglement of tissue binding a couple of my organs. It is likely an excess of scar tissue caused by those procedures. Suddenly the painting took on a depth of meaning I would like to deny. Suddenly, some of my favorite words are against me, bound, interconnected, entangled. Oh the irony!
I am sure I will find it funny once I get past the tests and upcoming procedures. I have an amazing doctor and probably have nothing to worry about....but, I am so good at worrying. These kind of specific worries make my meditation feel like a marathon instead of a stroll.
I always ask myself, "Is this something that I should post? Surely there will be eyes rolling, at my lack of privacy." But I am compelled to share, not out of pity or concern, but to help us all remember that for every story told, there are millions untold. If this story gives you insight into what may be going on beneath every "Fine." reply to every "How you doing?", and it makes you treat someone else with patience and compassion, then you understand why I share these things. I know more women who silently carry loss than those who don't.
In the spirit of entangled light, go out there and be nice.