When I whisper


When I whisper
I will never again relinquish my power to someone who says
"You care too much about people."
To accept this is to deny my very essence.
I am small, simple, kind, and curious.
These have always been enough
to validate my existence.
This IS my essence.
I am finally grateful.
Hear me roar.

I have battled depression and an existential crisis since I can remember. My earliest memories of prayer was to ask God to take me in my sleep. I just knew that I was never going to be good enough. I have thrown carrot after carrot out so far and so high to prove to myself that I belong here, that my life matters, that I can make a big enough positive impact that my existence is validated.

I've been doing lots of processing in one of the most challenging years of my life .....bringing me to this question....

Is it possible that the only way to significance and belonging is through my absolute acceptance of my truest nature - being small and simple?

As I step into more creative expression I realize that my vocabulary is not sophisticated, my paintings don't come from a trained hand and that maybe, just maybe, it is my smallness, my simplicity, and letting go of my pursuit of significance and acceptance that I find my place, my value, and my freedom.

Maybe we need more satisfied small people with simple and curious hearts and minds.

As my side gig during my first job out of architecture school, I worked as Richard Payne's assistant, photographing amazing architecture. He was the first person to show me a professional benefit of being so short...."You see, we can't help but make things look significant. It is through our natural perspective that we help others see things differently."

My pursuit of greatness took me to him and many other amazing teachers and opportunities, so no regrets...

My simple brain didn't really get his message for 22 years....when the student is ready....

(post #255)