When I ...... I wish I had.....(connected with our shared need of ............).
When I raised my voice and made a demand to "get in the car now!", I was wanting predictability, order, and cooperation. I wish I had connected with those needs and made a request rather than yelling a demand.
In talking to my mom about our parenting practice with nonviolent communication, instead of feeling guilty about techniques she used to meet her need for cooperation, we talk about it with beneficial regret. She wishes she had the NVC tools and strategies when we were younger. Instead of harboring guilt, we can connect with the values we had then and now. We can accept that we used the strategies we had access to the best of our abilities and celebrate that we have the wisdom now to honor the needs and continue to find more effective strategies that honor everyone equally, to the best of our ability in each moment. In the workplace, at home, and in a variety of situations we are triggered and our frontal lobes can go offline and our core beliefs and defensive mechanisms can takeover our operating system. I think it is important to love ourselves through this and reflect on these moments with kindness and grace.
When we share these beneficial regret statements with others, it can meet our needs for support, connection, mutuality, and authenticity. When we share these with our children, it models for them a healthy and productive way to learn from our mistakes and honor our love and acceptance of ourselves and each other.