alcohol-free me
Warning, full disclosure, this is a post on mental health and recovery.
The hardest part about not using alcohol as an escape or numbing agent over the last 12 months was choosing to look head-on at why I wanted to escape or numb in the first place.
I haven't used this strategy for 365 days.
I made it through not drinking while at Minute Maid park for the last game of the World Series.
I made it through not drinking while vacationing with family at the beach.
I made it through hosting a boozy karaoke party.
I made it through not drinking while attending a boozy memorial service for someone I consider my second mom.
I made it through not drinking while boating with family.
I made it through not drinking while teaching hundreds of students a week.
I made it though not drinking while reaching out vulnerably to an estranged family member.
I made it through coming back together after Covid and my social anxiety was at its worst.
I took a hard look at myself because I had to. I was on the border of a diabetes diagnosis and I was encouraged to make changes that could reverse that trajectory. I made all kinds of dietary and other daily decision changes. I learned that drinking, even in small amounts, was contributing to my depression, as one might expect a depressant to do.
Anywhooooo, today I am celebrating the clarity and commitment and freedom from decades of darkness that was a tango between the strategies I used to address my anxiety and strategies I used to address my depression.
Instead of alcohol, Wellbutrin (I may bring this one back around- not opposed if needed), and focusing on problems outside my control, today, my strategies include bio-specific amounts of multi-vitamins, especially methylated B, vitamin D, and a stop, drop, and roll approach to prioritizing my mental health, meaning nothing is more important. Everything else can wait. I recommitted to my Nonviolent Communication™ and other mind, body, and spiritual practices. I invested a lot of time and money in coaching, writing, healing, and spiritual communities that gave me the space and inspiration to dig deep enough and far enough back to finally know and love myself through my own eyes.
I discovered that my love is powerful. I'm accepting that I am still on this planet not to serve others but to finally learn how to love myself. I am realizing that showing up with the reality of who I am and loving myself serves others naturally.
Since a close call in 2007, I read about all of this in books and sat in hundreds of hours of lectures on this concept. Those who know me best are convinced that I will eventually earn an honorary PhD in Self Help. None of the knowledge acquisition changed how I thought or felt. It did change the way I acted so I could keep searching for a better path. It helped me see what needed to change, but it didn't get me far enough into my identity piece to shift the root cause. Insert cheesy music and Stuart Smalley affirmations. But seriously, apparently, this is my path. I am good enough. I am smart enough. But here's the twist. Doggone it, I don't need people to like me.
This self love thing sometimes looks easy for others. It has been the hardest thing I've ever done. It is the most important thing for me to keep practicing.
This is the longest I've ever gone without suicidal ideation since I was 8 years old. For the first time in my life I feel like I matter, even if I never accomplish anything or "earn the respect or admiration" of anyone.
My love is powerful. It is the only thing that saves me and liberates me.
I am sharing this not to get any pity, respect, or to advise or even suggest what is right for anyone else's path. I share it as a way to bust the stigma.
If you struggle with depression, anxiety or the myriad of other mental health conditions, you are not alone.
According to NAMI.org (National Alliance on Mental Illness)
1 in 5 U.S. adults experience mental illness each year
1 in 20 U.S. adults experience serious mental illness each year
1 in 6 U.S. youth aged 6-17 experience a mental health disorder each year
50% of all lifetime mental illness begins by age 14, and 75% by age 24
NAMI is an incredible organization with a wide variety of resources and free education programs and support groups. I teach (continue to learn) with them and am so grateful for their influence on our family's journey.
Call the NAMI Helpline at
800-950-NAMI
Or in a crisis, text "NAMI" to 741741
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