So, how's it going?
(this was developed for kids but can also be used for self check-in or for couples)
Look at the list of things we all like to have.
What activities help you get these?
Write your answers in the first space under each.
Which ones matter most to you (right now)?
Circle them in blue.
Which ones do you want most from your parents (or partner)?
Circle them in red (some may have a blue and red circle around them)
Do you have any ideas for activities that can help you get these?
Write those ideas in the second line under each list.
community, friends, group feeling of belonging
1.
2.
play, fun
2.
rest, relaxation
1.
2.
being heard, being understood
1.
2.
understanding others, empathy for others
1.
2.
understanding myself, self-empathy
1.
2.
competence, feeling of accomplishment, sense of having good skills
1.
2.
learning, exploring, discovery
1.
2.
choice, freedom
1.
2.
safety,trust
1.
2.
to matter, be considered
1.
2.
giving, sharing
1.
2.
help and support
1.
2.
Some notes on intention before using this tool and ways to let the information guide your family planning.
Make sure you are ready to hear everything they say with an open mind and heart. This wasn't all sunshine and butterflies when I interviewed our two boys. There was some, "I never get heard", and "if you guys ever had my birthday party, I would have fun with my friends!" Write these down, hear them, but try very hard not to defend. If you can keep from being defensive and focus on listening and understanding what they say, you will get the authentic information you need to support each other better, and they will see that their feelings and needs really matter to you. If you are feeling tired, inadequate as a parent or irritable, save it for another time. This exercise can build trust that your kids can tell you what is really on their heart without you focusing on whether or not you are a "good parent", so let them let their words flow.
I interviewed and transcribed, so this wouldn't seem like schoolwork. If your kids don't understand the questions or how to answer them, put it in your own words, or take some quiet time for answering these the best you can on their behalf. If it takes a while to get through these, break it down into short daily discussions. Just focus on a couple of these each day for a while. In other words, modify it to keep it fun. The point is to create space for deeply connecting with your child.
Make sure you are ready to hear everything they say with an open mind and heart. This wasn't all sunshine and butterflies when I interviewed our two boys. There was some, "I never get heard", and "if you guys ever had my birthday party, I would have fun with my friends!" Write these down, hear them, but try very hard not to defend. If you can keep from being defensive and focus on listening and understanding what they say, you will get the authentic information you need to support each other better, and they will see that their feelings and needs really matter to you. If you are feeling tired, inadequate as a parent or irritable, save it for another time. This exercise can build trust that your kids can tell you what is really on their heart without you focusing on whether or not you are a "good parent", so let them let their words flow.
I interviewed and transcribed, so this wouldn't seem like schoolwork. If your kids don't understand the questions or how to answer them, put it in your own words, or take some quiet time for answering these the best you can on their behalf. If it takes a while to get through these, break it down into short daily discussions. Just focus on a couple of these each day for a while. In other words, modify it to keep it fun. The point is to create space for deeply connecting with your child.
When I came up with this tool Wednesday and interviewed our two sons, it helped me see what is really important to each of them. It started conversations about what other activities (strategies) we can do to meet these needs. It also helped me see where we need to adjust our normal routine to provide more variety and opportunity for quality of life in all areas (the best we can). I hope someone else will give it a try and let me know if it brings you connection and understanding.
Have questions? Would you like more information or more tools like this? Email thirdwayparenting@gmail.com
Grace in, peace out
Have questions? Would you like more information or more tools like this? Email thirdwayparenting@gmail.com
Grace in, peace out
this tool is based on nonviolent communication, the work of Marshall Rosenberg, PhD and other talented practitioners and trainers
for more information, visit cnvc.org,
houstonnvc.org, Houston's NVC community
some other thriving NVC communities with great education and information programs